My Havic and My Love...

                                                                                                      September 17, 2012

  
       This day has to be the most off day that has ever occurred.... I try and I try and my car is always bringing me down with the rain. My backseat drivers side window keeps falling and it has been raining all weekend.  It likes to fall at all the right moments, you know when IMO at work or while I'm sleeping, so my seats and floor boards can get as wet as possible. Now my car smells like wet dog every time I get in and I'm pretty sure its gonna start to mold. I also left my backpack at home today in a hurry to get out the door because I DID NOT want to get up this morning. Working alllllll weekend getting up at 5:30 am is not the funnest way to spend your days off from school, I'm so exhausted I don't even want to have to deal with homework and getting ready for all my upcoming responsibilities that start in 249 days exactly. "sighhh" My back is killing me but i don't want to keep complaining all it is going to do is bring me down more and I don't want to think about how much worse it can get right now.

      I finally got to skype with my ginger this weekend, it was only like 15 min but it was totally worth it. To see is face and to hear his voice just made me want him that much more, he is all that I could ask for in this life. He told me he wants to go into the military though which of course he does, I mean he goes to an all boys military boarding school in Virgina. He has been training for this for years, but If he goes into the military that is just gonna be more time I'm going to have to wait to be with him. I am not really a fan of waiting and not being able to see the one I want whenever I feel like it, but I suppose I am supposed to say " He is worth the wait and I will wait for him" . But that is really hard for me I have wants and needs and they need to be taken care of. I know I'm only a senior in high school and I will have plenty of time for forever, but i will miss him and worry about him soooooo muuuucccchhh that it will drive me insane. I will have to handle it though because I really do love him, I mean he is the dream; ginger, firefighter, military, sexy, sexy in a uniform, sweet, kind, caring, and did i mention sexy, and on top of all of that he loves me which is absolutely WONDERFUL!!! Hopefully my emotions don't get the best of me and I ruin this really good thing.

Today.....

                                                                                                     September 14, 2012

              Sorry it has been a while since my last post, I have been so busy with everything I feel as if my head might explode, hopefully that won't happen though. My lower back is killing me today, it's screaming at me asking; why? why would you do this to me? well back i really don't know why maybe one day my idiot doctor will fix you and we can both move on together. I find myself sadder than usual I wish I could find something that made me OK with how things are right now. I am just moving with the crowd everyday, the same thing everyday never changing, never growing. I'm hoping I can find some fun this weekend even though I have to work all weekend I still have the night to party. I need to liven up my life, It has gotten dull and meaningless. I need to feel alive, I need to feel my heart beating and my blood rushing. I don't want grounded or mute, I want loud and intense, something that will carry on in my head for years to come. I want an event that I will look back on and say " I wish I could go back and live that night again because it was awesome" . But I'm not sure I'll find that this weekend.
            
             I'm finding myself listening to this song over and over on my Pandora; Come Together by The Beatles. I love this song , it has this best beat and smoothness I have ever heard. The Beatles are definitely legend in my book. I've been listening to a lot of oldies recently such as ; The Foreigner, led zeppelin, And Boston. They seem to calm me especially when I am trying to sleep which for myself seems to be getting harder and harder to accomplish. I have so many things in my head from college which is coming up very fast, and trying to keep my grades up so I can get into a good college so my mother will be proud of me, and so I can finally get out of her house. She is on a diet right now and when you take caffeine, carbs, and sweetness away from my mother she becomes the worst person to be around. I swear without those things she goes absolutely nuts, it's like sane mom goes right out the window and super crazy starving mom attacks everyone in the house and eats our faces for dinner, then complains about how many calories it was. If my mother could some how lose weight with out this awful torcher for myself that would be wonderful but I guess the upside is knowing that it won't last forever. WELLLLLL I hope everyone has a good day and hopefully life will turn i warm cheek to me and I will be able to party this weekend.  

Frazzle Dazzled

                                                                                                               August 30, 2012

   
             Today my sister Lindsey is coming down from Tennessee to go see a concert in Hot Springs Sunday. She will be staying the night with me at my house which has never happened before. My mother is making me clean like crazy to get ready for her which would be fine if my back and right leg wasn't hurting so bad. I found out yesterday I probably have a pinched nerve in my back which is causing all the pain in my back and leg. I can't wait to see my sister, I miss her so much it's crazy. while I was living with my Dad for a semester last year her and I became very close. She is 21 but we get each other very well, I'll only be able to see her for a little while until she heads off to Hot Springs Friday morning but it will be worth it. I wish I could go to Hot Springs with her and hang out with my other sister Haley but I have to work and I'm not allowed to take a day off. I'll be skipping school Friday to keep Lindsey company so she won't be at my house by herself, and it's labor day weekend so I get Monday off too so hopefully that will give me some time to rest my back so i can get better. I find myself missing my dad more and more each day though, I miss talking to him and cracking jokes, being two peas in a pod. My Father and I are very close we are like mirrors of each other, we are just alike and I love it. I can talk to my Father about anything and everything and I know he will understand and be caring and loving, because he loves me more than air just as I love him.


            I'm having trouble with men as well, I have a friend who is very much older than me, he really likes me A LOT! but i don't know if I feel the same. Don't get me wrong he is wonderful! So wonderful sometimes I think I don't deserve him at all but, he lives so far away so I have never actually met him in person so it is kind of odd. Also I have feelings for someone else; my Virginia boy. He doesn't actually live in Virgina, he just goes to school there he lives in little rock. I have actually met him and we are really good together I just don't know if we are gonna go anywhere. I wish we could because I could see myself being with Virginia boy a long time, but he is so confusing i never know exactly where he stands with me. I sent him a picture last night of me with no make-up on looking a mess, and he liked it a lot so I'm pretty sure he really likes me cause if I guy wants you even with your make-up off they really want you! So I'm confused but it's whatever I'm sure it will play out the way it's supposed to be, men and I have always had a complicated relationship but i have no doubt that we are slowly getting closer and I will no longer be so frazzle dazzled all the time.

To Find Something Beautiful

                                                                                                           August 29, 2012

       I once dreamt of a bird and it was sitting in a bird bath, I wanted to touch it because it was so beautiful that it almost seemed unreal. When I finally touched it, it wilted away into the wind, like it was never even there at all. I often think that maybe I'm always trying to reach for something beautiful, that i put so much emphases in my life to find something great and powerful. whether it's love, education, music, or my dreams i just need to find something outstanding and motivating. I want passion, I want excitement, I want the world to spin and let me dance. I'm trying to reach for something out there, I'm trying to breathe in something magnificent! People say it is unwise to wish for things all the time because they might actually come true and it will be different than you imagined, but I dont care no matter what I get out of this life at least I got something which is more than I can say for some people. I just want to wake up one day and be able to say that I lived, that I did more than just breathed in and out and did my part, but that I actually lived and accomplished something beautiful. When I was just becoming a teen at 13 I fell "in love" with a boy who was 17, he was so beautiful and funny and he made my heart skip a beat. I wanted something wonderful in my life so much that I made this boy be a part of my life that he wasn't. He wasn't my soul mate, he was barely my friend but I "loved" him so much that I needed him to be everything to me. My life was so topsy tirvy in my head i couldn't even see that I was spinning out of control and something was severly wrong with me. That's when I started having panic attacks, it was the most intense, awful, and painful experience i've ever had. I had to stop making things something they were not, I needed to see things as they really are in reality. I needed stability, something strong and grounded to help me stop spinning. But even though I need stability does not mean I have stopped wanting something magical in my life. It is going to be hard to find both but I know it will come to me. I will find my beautiful bird I have dreamt of and it will not crumble in my hands, it will soar and fly with me, I will have something extraordinary.

Tattoos on my soul

                                                                                                                August 27, 2012

       This has been a very intersting weekend I worked saturday morning it was very hectic but went by fast, my legs ached and my feet were swollen but I toughed it out like a champ. After work i went to Jacksonville to watch my sister and her friends get tattoo's. While I was there I discussed my idea for a tattoo in memory of my grandfather who died May 8th, 1995, exactly 2 months before I was born. I was named after my grandfather his nickname was Penny because when he was a child his father would hold out a handful of change from his pocket and ask him to take what he wanted and he would always pick out the penny's. He was a really good man who worked hard for everything he got, If the man I one day marry is even half as strong and hard working as my grandfather I would be a very lucky women. So I wanted something on me to remember him always because even though I never got to meet my grandfather I have always felt close to him, that somehow he is always watching over me. My mother thought my idea for a tattoo was awesome so she actually let me get it. It is a penny with a sillouette of my grandfather on it and where it says Liberty on a penny I put Burdine which is my granfathers last name, and the date is 1995 for the year his life ended and my life began. I'm so happy to have this tattoo no matter how much it felt like someone cutting me open slowly and then pouring hot led over my open wound, it was worth it to me. It was very unplanned but all the good things are, I love my family and my life and I have high hopes for the future. 

Baby Girl Brown R.I.P.

                                                                                                        August 23, 2012

   
    Today is a sad day, my sister who has lupis lost her baby yesterday, it was a little girl. I wish I could some how make it where it didn't happen that my beautiful little neice could still be alive in my sisters tummy, but I can't change the past. That saying makes me think of The Great Gatsby, my favorite book in the whole world. Gatsby wanted to rewrite the past so much that it consumed him. Hopefully my pain and sorrow for my lost neice will not consume me, I just pray she knows how much she was loved by her auntie penny. She will always be in my heart.
     Not feeling too well this morning, nausea consumes me at the moment. I wish I had more time to write on my blog but something else is always taking up my time. I applied to Baylor University yesterday, hopefully I will get in, that would give me a big ego boost on trying to get into ASU which i worry about because it's my dream to go there. well gotta go to my next class... what joy..

Harsh realites

                                                                                                                August 21, 2012

                 Today has been all too boring and sluggish, woke up late again for school. I find my senior year being less and less enthusiastic, it is definitely not all that it was hyped up to be. Well maybe it's my school, it doesn't have the perfect track record for being well put together or organized. I go to a charter school in the suburbs of maumelle, I've been going here since 6th grade it was the first place my mom let us really settle down. This is the longest I've ever lived in one place in my entire life, it is safe to say I've gotten attatched. The school is more like a weird redneck family more than anything, you have your weird aunts and uncles (teachers) that like to tell you stories and try to seem cool but they are definatly not. You have your brothers and sisters (peers) and the distant cousins that keep multiplying (the elementary). Now the principle she is hard to place for most people but for me i know exactly where she falls, my bi-polar grandma; she is older and constantly battleing with wether she wants to be the cool hip grandma or the crazy grandma who is always yelling at you to pull up your pants. I wish my senior year was full of partys and fun times with friends but all i seem to have found so far is drama and having to work all the time. I'm finding the harsh realities very unpleasent; college is expensive, cars are expensive, gas is expensive, insurence is expensive, life has many hard choices, and God doesn't like to send direct messages too often.