To Find Something Beautiful

                                                                                                           August 29, 2012

       I once dreamt of a bird and it was sitting in a bird bath, I wanted to touch it because it was so beautiful that it almost seemed unreal. When I finally touched it, it wilted away into the wind, like it was never even there at all. I often think that maybe I'm always trying to reach for something beautiful, that i put so much emphases in my life to find something great and powerful. whether it's love, education, music, or my dreams i just need to find something outstanding and motivating. I want passion, I want excitement, I want the world to spin and let me dance. I'm trying to reach for something out there, I'm trying to breathe in something magnificent! People say it is unwise to wish for things all the time because they might actually come true and it will be different than you imagined, but I dont care no matter what I get out of this life at least I got something which is more than I can say for some people. I just want to wake up one day and be able to say that I lived, that I did more than just breathed in and out and did my part, but that I actually lived and accomplished something beautiful. When I was just becoming a teen at 13 I fell "in love" with a boy who was 17, he was so beautiful and funny and he made my heart skip a beat. I wanted something wonderful in my life so much that I made this boy be a part of my life that he wasn't. He wasn't my soul mate, he was barely my friend but I "loved" him so much that I needed him to be everything to me. My life was so topsy tirvy in my head i couldn't even see that I was spinning out of control and something was severly wrong with me. That's when I started having panic attacks, it was the most intense, awful, and painful experience i've ever had. I had to stop making things something they were not, I needed to see things as they really are in reality. I needed stability, something strong and grounded to help me stop spinning. But even though I need stability does not mean I have stopped wanting something magical in my life. It is going to be hard to find both but I know it will come to me. I will find my beautiful bird I have dreamt of and it will not crumble in my hands, it will soar and fly with me, I will have something extraordinary.